Growing up, Christmas time, the Glory of rest

It's been quite awhile since I've been able to curl up with my computer and a cup of hot cocoa to write a blog. I realize that this reaffirms my lack of life but I'm okay with that. I find that there is a good balance when it comes to blogging. Perhaps my gaps have been a bit long, but blogging 17 times a day is also not the greatest idea.

Anyway, on with the blogging... This has been quite the year, and there is still time left. Growing up is an odd thing, though. It's not really something that you realize while it's happening. Yet, when you look back, all of a sudden, you're a bit "older" than you were before.

I hung Christmas lights in my apartment yesterday. If I don't have a tree to hang them on, I will at least hang them in my apartment. O don't get me wrong, I have a Christmas tree - only it's three feet tall with about four branches and one large red ornament causes it to bend over. Yes, my friends, it is a Charlie Brown tree. I'm so lucky.

Well, to wrap up this random mess of jumbled words, I'm loving the break this week. It's amazing how good it can be to simply do nothing (and by nothing I mean work and catch up on homework). O well, such is life...an easy life, too, I'll admit. But it's mine... and I'm good with that.

I feel like it has been ages since I have updated to inform...well my mom (lets be honest no one else really reads this) on my my life. Since my last post, my life has been pure chaos. O the wrinkles that my face has begun to sprout and the gray hairs that have made themselves known.

In all honesty, life has been hectic. Fall has somewhat been passed over here, a fact that makes me more sad every day. The few true fall days have not been as magical as they should be. I'm not sure why that is, but it is true. Not just for me either, it seems to be a fact for everyone I speak with. O well, there is not much anyone can do about it except carry on as best one can.

I realize that I should be doing homework right now, or working on things for the play (the joys of being half manager). Yet, I cannot do it. I am behind. I am staring at my books right next to me. And here I sit, on my blog. I justify it as I need a break. Or I need to pace myself. Or I don't feel well. Or.... I guess the list goes on and on and on and on and...you get the idea.

I truly am just procrastinating and not wanting to be doing homework. But since thats a bad habit I guess I shall go now...

The fair was in town when I went up to Springfield this past weekend. Even though the week made it difficult on the schools faithful security guards, made traffic and the school parking lots insane, I was glad it was there. Why? Because of the Ferris Wheel...

It was all lit up and absolutely gorgeous. I love Ferris Wheels... Especially at night. The colorful lights dance around in your mind as you go around and around. Every time you get to the top you can only smile as the breeze gently brushes your face. Certainly you can see everything from there. Memories of cotton candy and other over-priced goodies remain in your mind. There is just no better way to finish the day at a fair or amusement park than sitting at the "top of the world" surrounded by dazzling lights and someone you care for greatly. Yes, I love Ferris Wheels...

I also feel like I should make a side note that this is my 50th blog post. I probably shouldn't be this happy about that but it certainly does feel like a milestone. So, to all of the five people that will read this, thanks for reading.

I suppose if you know me at all you know that I'm slightly melodramatic. This is why most if not all of my stories are exaggerated and why my emotions are generally over the top (it's also why I randomly play out things I experience in my day as a melodrama that is extremely amusing to me and makes me laugh when no one else knows what is going on). For once I am trying my best to be extremely real with my emotions (I'm fairly sure that it's because I'm not the only over dramatic person around now and you can only have a very small amount of dramatic people in one area). Yet, in being real I have forced myself to make one conclusion: I am not the lone-wolf that I once was. I am not the lone-wolf I wish I were.

I've always been a melon (it's a Praisong thing...don't ask). I've always gotten frustrated because there were too many people around. I suppose to some extent I still do. I tend to drown in a sea of people. I also tend to be fake and formal when I don't feel comfortable around a lot of people. Despite all of this, I regret the moments where I chose to be alone when I could have spent time with my friends. I miss people. I miss having deep conversations. I miss laughing with friends. I am fairly independent most of the time. I don't need people to accomplish a task or to go out or have a good time. But I have been alone for a great deal of time and I am very lonely. I kind of feel like the social leper who has been cast out from society (in all fairness, I warned you it would be melodramatic...).

All of this was merely to say that people are important and I think that I forget that sometimes. I have amazing friends but I'm very used to them being around. I'm certainly going to try to start appreciating them more (and also on that note, my best friend is amazing...he's getting me something from NY. I asked but still surprised he's going to!). I've also realized that my friends are very very awesome for putting up with me!!!

I should be writing my paper, but instead I'm writing this...

This week has been very interesting. I've been really discouraged and unsure of whether or not I could handle it (it being the theatre world) again. Because I wasn't sure if I could handle it, I was very unsure if I could ever open and run a theatre where a cast has a mutual respect for everyone and doesn't go get wasted every night. I had some good friends who were kind enough to appease my worries, but last night at practice my director leaned over to me during a chorus number and said, "There is the future. When you're ready for them, we will have them ready for you." It made me feel good.

I've been trying lately to be more positive. I know, I know it's crazy talk for me to be positive. Yet, here I am. Most of the people I hang out with at my studio are extremely negative and I realized that it's really annoying!!!! I'm amazed I have friends if I have sounded like that my whole life! Thus, I am attempting to be positive. I will not become an optimist though, I refuse... Maybe I can be a realist. That's what I will aim for.

O and in case anyone was wondering, that does not mean I'll stop being a drama queen.

Teal water, random memories, and a side note...

I'm sitting in my sister's old room (my writing room now!) listening to the ocean on my ambiance application on my iPhone. It doesn't begin to do the ocean justice but for an app, it's not too bad!

The sound of the waves reminds me of Florida this past December. I would have given so much to not go on that trip. I suppose it worked out perfectly, but it was very terrifying to consider! I remember sitting on the balcony of our room early that morning watching the sun come up. I was out there writing my heart out, trying not to cry and then I looked up. There was a section of the ocean that was completely teal (my favorite color). It made me smile. For some reason that was enough to get me through the day!

I gained a lot that trip. I got no sleep but a little bit in common with the girls on the drama team (carting blankets down to the beach at 1:30 in the morning just to talk!). I got a rolled ankle but got to get to know a great group of students. I got very sun burnt but I got the closure that I needed. As much I didn't want to go on the trip I needed the trip even more. Sometimes I find the the things I need most in the places I fear most...If that makes sense. I had to overcome a lot of fear to step onto that bus with people who more or less hated me. I was fighting it every step of the way. Somehow, I made it through. After the first day though it was a lot easier. I felt like the ocean was on my side since it wore teal in my honor. It was enough to convince me God was on my side no matter what, that's for sure...

And also, I miss the ocean...just a side note

I'm convinced people have a disease. My drama teacher was telling a story of her "first days in theatre" and there was a person there who jumped right in afterwards to tell a story of his own. It amazes me how much we miss because we're so concerned our own lives. If we paid attention to the wisdom in other people's stories, mistakes and lives.

The sky is gorgeous tonight. After I got home from practice I laid out on our patio and just stared into space. It made me wish that I had been camping before...

I was reminded today that I am the last Summers' girl (the last one of the four grand daughters not married). It's weird how things change. How people grow up. How they move off. I remember writing long before anyone fell in love and moved off and I stated how much I didn't want things to change (then again I hate change so...). I shared my fears of the fourth of July never being the same and how much I wouldn't be able to stand that. After my cousin moved off I tasted some of that (and that year the fourth was hard to deal with!), but now that my sister is gone too. It's hard to grow up, but great things are to come. It's scary growing up but, as Dennis Sprouse says, without risk it is impossible to grow.

I'm sitting in the study at my house. I think it's the first time I've been in here since I've been back besides to use the printer. Before I had my computer this is where I would blog from (on xanga...yes, I know, I've always been a dreadful nerd) late at night. I would "sneak" in here after everyone had gone to bed and just let out my thoughts. Since I've left though my dad has reclaimed his study.

It's funny how things change. I was driving to play practice the other day (I think I spend most of my time driving between home and there now) and I was thinking about how much has changed since I first started taking lessons from that studio. I was nine when I started going. I could list off all the things that are different - some that are good and some that are bad. But in the midst of the sea of differences I found, I realized two things are still the same: 1) The fact I'm still short and 2) My heart for adventure.

Belle sings in Beauty and the Beast (that play really does rule my life), "I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell..." And I suppose it's true...I suppose I do want that. I think a there's a little bit in all of us that does. After all, we did used to be young children who dreamt about doing great things. There were no limits to our dreams, nothing to keep us from shying away from "adventure life" into a "safe life." I used to want to dance professionally, and be a firefighter, and be in the Air Force, and be a lawyer (because my mommy said I could out argue anyone!). I wanted to climb to the tops mountains and dive to depths of the ocean. I wanted to find adventure and I didn't plan to wait until found me.

I have to admit, I have been able to go amazing places. I have seen beautiful things. I've done fun stuff, but it's just not enough for me! As I sit here in the same chair I used to sit in as a little girl, I realize that I've become extremely stick-in-the-mudish. I still plan to find adventure, but I think part of me is waiting for it to find me out. Mark Twain wrote, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

And so, I give myself and you the same charge. Explore, dream, discover. Go find adventure, and don't wait for it to find you.

L-O-V-E

I have also been doing a lot of thinking. Lately, my thoughts have turned to love. No, not because of Jonathan (I know someone was going to say something along those lines but stop it right now!), but because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine. She asked me what I thought of love. She then went on to describe a magical, euphoric state that seemed to last forever and carry one through one's struggles.

This got me to thinking. I don't know why such things get the wheels in my brain to turn, but they do. Anyway, the question that then came to my own mind was this: Do people fall in love or grow into love?

My own opinion is a mixture of both. People can fall into love, but it's far more dangerous then growing into love. Why? Well, on the premises that if you fall into love you can fall out. I'm not saying that it must happen this way. My boyfriend pointed out that his parents "fell into love and have stayed in love for many years." But it is a more dangerous thing. I think that people fall into attraction more easily but grow into love. True love is an unconditional love and that's not something that is found in a moment. It is developed and worked on and struggled for. Why? It's hard to love unconditionally. It involves loving unselfishly and that's just hard. I asked some of my friends what their opinions were. The most common results were "Both", "Grow", and "Depends on the people." But there were a few who said different things. One of my friends said that it's impossible to narrow down one way that people find love, that it happens in many ways and it's silly to figure out the magical quality. Another friend said that it's impossible to fall in love because you learn to love someone despite their downfalls and because of their good qualities. She went on to say that when you find the right person though it's like you have loved him/her all along. One said that both "falling in love" and "growing into love" are one of the layers of love - that love has both shallow and deep layers. That you need to admire and respect whomever you love romantically for the rest of your life. Another said that they were the same thing, that you don't just end up on the ground. And still another said that you choose to love. You choose to say, "I'm attracted to you and because of this attraction I'm going to love you."

Love, then, even if it starts instantly is matured and carried on by continuously growing that love. By constantly learning more about the other person. By consistently focusing on one's good and deciding to put the other person first.

Is that why so many marriages fail? Because people don't continue to let love grow? People say, "We just love each other anymore." But true love lasts forever. It pushes through the hard times and reaches to find out more about the other person. The euphoric feeling of love is a mere chemical that can come and go, but true love is there when the good feelings are gone. What holds people together is the consummate love (which is defined by psychologists as the strongest form of love that consists of passion, intimacy and commitment).

Is this also why so many walk away from God? Why so many grow cold and bitter? Or worse why so many become haughty and self righteous within the church? Is it because they fell in love with God but did not push through to grow that relationship? I'm not saying that is always the case. I know several amazing people who have walked away from the Lord and it has nothing to do with that at all. But is that why so many "Christians" do not know what it is to be patient, kind, loving, trusting and hopeful; but they do know how to be arrogant, rude, irritable and resentful?

I wasn't going to post anything about God in this blog. I asked several of my unbelieving friends what their opinions were on this matter and I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that you can't separate love and God. Even romantic love, the Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If we truly understood exactly what Christ has done for us, the sacrifice, the provision, the protection, then that statement would carry a lot more weight.

I told you I have been thinking. I suppose the final opinion of it all is this: Love is a many splendid thing.

There's no place like home....

I'm home again. Or at least I'm where my family is. I'm not sure where exactly "home" is for me now. I'm used to Springfield. Its now easier than the unsureness of being here. It's hard to answer the questions, "Are you glad to be home?" Or, "Do you miss school?" The truth is both. I'm glad to be back closer to family. But I miss people from there too.

It's weird being accountable for yourself and then coming back where people expect things to be the same. I'm not used to telling people where I've been or what I've done every hour. Not that it's bad, but just a lot different.

I'm slightly homeless, I've decided. I've got amazing people in both sides. I love my family. I love my friends. But I'm not home in any city. It would be a lot easier if I had ruby red slippers. I would click my heals together three times and repeat, "There's no place like home, There's no place like home, There's no place like home." Maybe then I would go home...and find out where exactly that is.

It's been a while since I've written. I've missed it. I love writing down my thoughts and current issues. Seeing things written down help a lot.

I should be packing. It's funny because I wrote a similar blog before I left for school. I was sitting in my room at home surrounded by clutter that I should have been packing. That is about how I am here. It's an interesting thing, growing up. I didn't want to leave in August for fear of change. I don't want to leave here now, for fear of how much things have changed there. And because I know I have changed as well. Things will be different. That is not bad. Some people find that it makes life adventurous. I will say it makes it a headache.

This summer will be hard. My sister will move. I will not be in Praisong. My sister will move. My best friend will be interning for Praisong. My sister will move. My boyfriend will be in Springfield. My sister will move. My best friend from school will be in L.A. My sister will move. And did I mention that my sister and her husband are moving this year? Yes, it will be hard, but it will be good. Challenges make us stronger right? Change proves to us that we can endure more right?

The other day, in tears, I said, "I wouldn't mind change so much but as soon as I get used to him, he's different again and then I don't like him anymore!" I wish I was joking but it's true. If change didn't change so much I would like it a lot more. O well. Let's be honest, I don't want to be who I am right now forever. I don't want to be where I am right now forever. Change is good. Yeah, I really just said that.

And since I'm in this mood, I think now is a good time to pack.

Tonight has been the night of deep thoughts. Or of thoughts that I dwell on so much that they seem deep to me. If your heart has grown cold, will being in God's will seem unpleasant to you?

I know that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I know that when we're out of his will, we will eventually feel the lack of him and decide we are doing everything in vain. I know that when we're in God's will, even during trials, we know it will be worth it. But, my question is, if our hearts become hardened to spiritual things, are we unhappy even if we're in God's will? I know that people have reasons as to why their hearts are hard. Some have been hurt my Christians. Some have been burnt out. Some have been mistreated by the church. Some have seen so many people over-spiritualize their lives for a pure show. Whatever the reason, if you're hearts hard to God's people, is your heart hard to God? What does it take to make someone realize how much God is calling them to greatness when their heart is so hardened to it all? I know that things aren't always fair or pleasant. I know people misuse power and leadership, even in Christian settings. But I know that God is greater than them. He will still use the institution even if the leadership is mis-using his name. He will judge them for their actions in the end. We are all responsible for ourselves and how well we followed Christ and listened to the voice of God. It's heartbreaking, you know, to see someone with such a great call upon their lives completely shut down when people talk about spiritual things.

Something has to change in the church and in this nation. I can't sit back and watch others let their lives pass them by because they are full of bitterness and complacency. The cost is too high. Something has to change...

I am sitting back stage of the play. This is the most anointed play, I've ever seen or been in. I just came from off stage and in that service....O in that service! Seriously, God's presence was so thick. It was like the Holy Spirit just blew in on the service and said, "I'm here!"

Our programs for the play got messed up. Different characters were matched to different names. Personally, I think it's kind of ironic. This play isn't about us. This play has never been about the cast. It has nothing to do with our talent or ability. Just as it was during the Azusa Revival, it's about letting God use you. This play will change lives. Not because it's the best; not because the actors are the best (by any means!); but because His anointing is inside of it and He has chosen to use it.

I am honored to even be back stage.

O goodness...I suppose my business has taken away from my blogging time. Now, I call that a busy life. If one, especially me, is too busy to blog, well then, something is just not right.

A lot has happened since my bitterness towards the ice storm. I have finished mid-terms, gone to Paris and even started the last have of the semester again. I am still busy (this month is consumed with the play and nothing else). But I am happy. I think that might be why I don't write quite as much anymore. I'm happy and content. I don't need to escape from the world anymore. I like it, even when it isn't great. I suppose this is my post.

Now, homework awaits and I should probably get on the stage for my scene. Just an idea...

Another reason to hate ice...

I like winter. It's my second favorite season (fall being first, of course). I like snow. I hate ice. I always have. Why? Because it traps me in. If it snows, you drive with chains on. If it ices, you sit and watch the world pass by with nothing to do. Normally, it's not all that bad. But now I am in a girls dormitory. That's like being sealed into a prison of pure estrogen. But don't worry, it gets better! The girls on my hall want there to be a snow day tomorrow so they are all screaming at the top of their lungs planning a party! Frankly, I've gotten used to hanging out with my guy friends lately and I don't know how much of this I can take!! I'm not sure, but I just may be having a breakdown. You would think that if winter is my second favorite season it wouldn't do this to me. You know, he may be a little jealous of fall, but to the extent of sending ice? Now that's just pure hatred.

Grief is an odd thing. People all handle it differently. Personally, I run. I disappear and cut myself off from people. I go write - a lot. Then I push it all away so I can be strong for others. Eventually I deal with it again. Then I move on. But it's not the stages that are so odd to me, it's the dealing with it. Again, personally, when I deal with it I don't want to talk. I don't want a Kleenex. I don't want to hear that it will be okay. I just simply want a friend to hold my hand and give me a hug. Maybe even let me cry.

I don't know how to help people in grief. We are all so different. We each have a different mind and heart. We each take things, similar things, very different. Death is such an awful word. When you know someone is dying, or someone is grieving the loss of one who's dying (or has died) life goes in slow motion. What was urgent five minutes ago can wait a little while. Why is that? It's a part of life. If you have life then you have death. There is no way around that. But we still stop what we're doing when we hear the word "death" or "passed on".

"Passed on" is not my ideal phrase. I know it's the more polite way to say it, but honestly, death just isn't polite. My friend's Mom's best friend (which is actually a stronger bond than it sounds) had a brain aneurysm and they are going to take her off life support soon. My friend told me, "I don't even want to pray, but I know I should." She has such faith and such hope in life at all times, but she is in grief. Death is reaching for someone so close to her and she can't be polite.

I don't know how to help her. One of the oddest things about grief is it does teach us something. It does teach us how to move on. How to reach out. How to trust people. I know that she will make it. Grief has a tendency to either hinder people or make them stronger. I know it will make her stronger. But still...I simply wish I could help.

Hearing that you will fall if you try is usually louder than hearing you won't drown. I know that as Christians it's supposed to be easy for us to stand firm against all of life's problems but sometimes it feels like it'd be easier to just lie down. It is easier to just lie down! But somethings are worth fighting for. and sometimes, just standing can be the biggest battle that we face. Not giving up when life crashes down is ridiculously hard. Praising God when there's nothing left seems crazy, but maybe that's where we find what we need. Maybe that's where we find what we've been looking for all along.

I got a text from my mini-me today. She asked me why things happen the way they do. I sat there a second before I replied. Things running through my mind, "Because God wants to use the situation to bring glory", "Because satan is against us", "Because there are lessons to be learned that will aid us in the future". While all of these perfect cliches, the response I gave was simple: "I don't know."

The fact is, I don't. There are cute answers that make me feel better. There are things that make me feel accomplished, but in all honesty, I don't know. I'm realizing that it's okay. I look back at some different trials in my life and I wonder why things had to happen that way. I learned a lesson but is that why I had to suffer through that? I have a testimony but is that reason why it was so hard? The answer? I don't know.

I don't understand God or his ways, but I know that he is always faithful. He is always merciful. He is always gracious. His ways are much better than mine...even if I don't know things along the way.

Here's the deal:

I need to read. A lot. A whole lot. Yet, I'm writing on here. Why? I'm not sure. Partially because I'm really tired and I'm terrified that if I start to read I will fall asleep. Partially because I'm overwhelmed.

I have practice in thirty-minutes. But I really feel like I'm about to die. I should go try to read.........but I would like you all to know that it's with great reluctance that I am!

The need to pack, A mighty mouse, Reina Spektor and A few random thoughts....

I'm sitting in my sister's old room (man, that's weird to say). Why? Because my room is messy and it reminds me that I need to pack. I am not ready for school. And I suppose that it's okay.

I watched a movie tonight - The Tale of Desperaux. Cutest movie ever. I loved it. Favorite quotes: "If you know fairy tales very well, then you know that no hero appears until he is needed."
"She was not really a prisoner because she had hope. And anyone who hopes cannot really be any one's prisoner."
"Sometimes when your heart breaks, it grows back crooked and gnarled. You don't mean for it too, you're just so hurt you don't realize that it's not right."
I love these quotes. They are true. No one becomes a hero until a hero is needed. This is mainly because even if they live as hero the entire time no one notices because they aren't in need of a hero. Hope somehow frees you to a point that no matter where you are, you are free. You know something more is out there and coming. Even if you die in the same chains you are in today, you die in freedom because you knew that there was more. Sometimes, people don't mean to be awful. Often it is because they have been so hurt they don't realize how much they hurt others. They don't always mean to be horrible, it is because their heart has not repaired properly - sometimes at least. Another thing I loved about the movie was the fact that one mighty mouse determined he would do right and held to a code of honor - honesty, courage, and bravery.

I'm listening to "The Call" by Regina Spektor. Talk about amazing lyrics. It makes me think a lot. About my dreams and plans and my memories. Sometimes your dreams - even your visions of past - need to just be louder than your current circumstances. Sometimes you haven't lost your fight, you just have forgotten your passion.

I'm thinking that life is funny. It's a hard balance, you know, life and spirituality. I think that sometimes we make things not spiritual enough and don't recognize the Spirit's hand in a lot. I also think others we over-"spiritualize" everything. Sometimes, I get tired -and I just want to have fun. My goal last semester was to hold on and make it through. This semester, I want to have fun and enjoy what God has blessed me with. O, I will still hold on to God and try to make it through. I will still try my hardest and do my best. But I will enjoy life now. I've just decided that it might be time.