Teal water, random memories, and a side note...

I'm sitting in my sister's old room (my writing room now!) listening to the ocean on my ambiance application on my iPhone. It doesn't begin to do the ocean justice but for an app, it's not too bad!

The sound of the waves reminds me of Florida this past December. I would have given so much to not go on that trip. I suppose it worked out perfectly, but it was very terrifying to consider! I remember sitting on the balcony of our room early that morning watching the sun come up. I was out there writing my heart out, trying not to cry and then I looked up. There was a section of the ocean that was completely teal (my favorite color). It made me smile. For some reason that was enough to get me through the day!

I gained a lot that trip. I got no sleep but a little bit in common with the girls on the drama team (carting blankets down to the beach at 1:30 in the morning just to talk!). I got a rolled ankle but got to get to know a great group of students. I got very sun burnt but I got the closure that I needed. As much I didn't want to go on the trip I needed the trip even more. Sometimes I find the the things I need most in the places I fear most...If that makes sense. I had to overcome a lot of fear to step onto that bus with people who more or less hated me. I was fighting it every step of the way. Somehow, I made it through. After the first day though it was a lot easier. I felt like the ocean was on my side since it wore teal in my honor. It was enough to convince me God was on my side no matter what, that's for sure...

And also, I miss the ocean...just a side note

I'm convinced people have a disease. My drama teacher was telling a story of her "first days in theatre" and there was a person there who jumped right in afterwards to tell a story of his own. It amazes me how much we miss because we're so concerned our own lives. If we paid attention to the wisdom in other people's stories, mistakes and lives.

The sky is gorgeous tonight. After I got home from practice I laid out on our patio and just stared into space. It made me wish that I had been camping before...

I was reminded today that I am the last Summers' girl (the last one of the four grand daughters not married). It's weird how things change. How people grow up. How they move off. I remember writing long before anyone fell in love and moved off and I stated how much I didn't want things to change (then again I hate change so...). I shared my fears of the fourth of July never being the same and how much I wouldn't be able to stand that. After my cousin moved off I tasted some of that (and that year the fourth was hard to deal with!), but now that my sister is gone too. It's hard to grow up, but great things are to come. It's scary growing up but, as Dennis Sprouse says, without risk it is impossible to grow.

I'm sitting in the study at my house. I think it's the first time I've been in here since I've been back besides to use the printer. Before I had my computer this is where I would blog from (on xanga...yes, I know, I've always been a dreadful nerd) late at night. I would "sneak" in here after everyone had gone to bed and just let out my thoughts. Since I've left though my dad has reclaimed his study.

It's funny how things change. I was driving to play practice the other day (I think I spend most of my time driving between home and there now) and I was thinking about how much has changed since I first started taking lessons from that studio. I was nine when I started going. I could list off all the things that are different - some that are good and some that are bad. But in the midst of the sea of differences I found, I realized two things are still the same: 1) The fact I'm still short and 2) My heart for adventure.

Belle sings in Beauty and the Beast (that play really does rule my life), "I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell..." And I suppose it's true...I suppose I do want that. I think a there's a little bit in all of us that does. After all, we did used to be young children who dreamt about doing great things. There were no limits to our dreams, nothing to keep us from shying away from "adventure life" into a "safe life." I used to want to dance professionally, and be a firefighter, and be in the Air Force, and be a lawyer (because my mommy said I could out argue anyone!). I wanted to climb to the tops mountains and dive to depths of the ocean. I wanted to find adventure and I didn't plan to wait until found me.

I have to admit, I have been able to go amazing places. I have seen beautiful things. I've done fun stuff, but it's just not enough for me! As I sit here in the same chair I used to sit in as a little girl, I realize that I've become extremely stick-in-the-mudish. I still plan to find adventure, but I think part of me is waiting for it to find me out. Mark Twain wrote, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

And so, I give myself and you the same charge. Explore, dream, discover. Go find adventure, and don't wait for it to find you.

L-O-V-E

I have also been doing a lot of thinking. Lately, my thoughts have turned to love. No, not because of Jonathan (I know someone was going to say something along those lines but stop it right now!), but because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine. She asked me what I thought of love. She then went on to describe a magical, euphoric state that seemed to last forever and carry one through one's struggles.

This got me to thinking. I don't know why such things get the wheels in my brain to turn, but they do. Anyway, the question that then came to my own mind was this: Do people fall in love or grow into love?

My own opinion is a mixture of both. People can fall into love, but it's far more dangerous then growing into love. Why? Well, on the premises that if you fall into love you can fall out. I'm not saying that it must happen this way. My boyfriend pointed out that his parents "fell into love and have stayed in love for many years." But it is a more dangerous thing. I think that people fall into attraction more easily but grow into love. True love is an unconditional love and that's not something that is found in a moment. It is developed and worked on and struggled for. Why? It's hard to love unconditionally. It involves loving unselfishly and that's just hard. I asked some of my friends what their opinions were. The most common results were "Both", "Grow", and "Depends on the people." But there were a few who said different things. One of my friends said that it's impossible to narrow down one way that people find love, that it happens in many ways and it's silly to figure out the magical quality. Another friend said that it's impossible to fall in love because you learn to love someone despite their downfalls and because of their good qualities. She went on to say that when you find the right person though it's like you have loved him/her all along. One said that both "falling in love" and "growing into love" are one of the layers of love - that love has both shallow and deep layers. That you need to admire and respect whomever you love romantically for the rest of your life. Another said that they were the same thing, that you don't just end up on the ground. And still another said that you choose to love. You choose to say, "I'm attracted to you and because of this attraction I'm going to love you."

Love, then, even if it starts instantly is matured and carried on by continuously growing that love. By constantly learning more about the other person. By consistently focusing on one's good and deciding to put the other person first.

Is that why so many marriages fail? Because people don't continue to let love grow? People say, "We just love each other anymore." But true love lasts forever. It pushes through the hard times and reaches to find out more about the other person. The euphoric feeling of love is a mere chemical that can come and go, but true love is there when the good feelings are gone. What holds people together is the consummate love (which is defined by psychologists as the strongest form of love that consists of passion, intimacy and commitment).

Is this also why so many walk away from God? Why so many grow cold and bitter? Or worse why so many become haughty and self righteous within the church? Is it because they fell in love with God but did not push through to grow that relationship? I'm not saying that is always the case. I know several amazing people who have walked away from the Lord and it has nothing to do with that at all. But is that why so many "Christians" do not know what it is to be patient, kind, loving, trusting and hopeful; but they do know how to be arrogant, rude, irritable and resentful?

I wasn't going to post anything about God in this blog. I asked several of my unbelieving friends what their opinions were on this matter and I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that you can't separate love and God. Even romantic love, the Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If we truly understood exactly what Christ has done for us, the sacrifice, the provision, the protection, then that statement would carry a lot more weight.

I told you I have been thinking. I suppose the final opinion of it all is this: Love is a many splendid thing.