Another reason to hate ice...

I like winter. It's my second favorite season (fall being first, of course). I like snow. I hate ice. I always have. Why? Because it traps me in. If it snows, you drive with chains on. If it ices, you sit and watch the world pass by with nothing to do. Normally, it's not all that bad. But now I am in a girls dormitory. That's like being sealed into a prison of pure estrogen. But don't worry, it gets better! The girls on my hall want there to be a snow day tomorrow so they are all screaming at the top of their lungs planning a party! Frankly, I've gotten used to hanging out with my guy friends lately and I don't know how much of this I can take!! I'm not sure, but I just may be having a breakdown. You would think that if winter is my second favorite season it wouldn't do this to me. You know, he may be a little jealous of fall, but to the extent of sending ice? Now that's just pure hatred.

Grief is an odd thing. People all handle it differently. Personally, I run. I disappear and cut myself off from people. I go write - a lot. Then I push it all away so I can be strong for others. Eventually I deal with it again. Then I move on. But it's not the stages that are so odd to me, it's the dealing with it. Again, personally, when I deal with it I don't want to talk. I don't want a Kleenex. I don't want to hear that it will be okay. I just simply want a friend to hold my hand and give me a hug. Maybe even let me cry.

I don't know how to help people in grief. We are all so different. We each have a different mind and heart. We each take things, similar things, very different. Death is such an awful word. When you know someone is dying, or someone is grieving the loss of one who's dying (or has died) life goes in slow motion. What was urgent five minutes ago can wait a little while. Why is that? It's a part of life. If you have life then you have death. There is no way around that. But we still stop what we're doing when we hear the word "death" or "passed on".

"Passed on" is not my ideal phrase. I know it's the more polite way to say it, but honestly, death just isn't polite. My friend's Mom's best friend (which is actually a stronger bond than it sounds) had a brain aneurysm and they are going to take her off life support soon. My friend told me, "I don't even want to pray, but I know I should." She has such faith and such hope in life at all times, but she is in grief. Death is reaching for someone so close to her and she can't be polite.

I don't know how to help her. One of the oddest things about grief is it does teach us something. It does teach us how to move on. How to reach out. How to trust people. I know that she will make it. Grief has a tendency to either hinder people or make them stronger. I know it will make her stronger. But still...I simply wish I could help.

Hearing that you will fall if you try is usually louder than hearing you won't drown. I know that as Christians it's supposed to be easy for us to stand firm against all of life's problems but sometimes it feels like it'd be easier to just lie down. It is easier to just lie down! But somethings are worth fighting for. and sometimes, just standing can be the biggest battle that we face. Not giving up when life crashes down is ridiculously hard. Praising God when there's nothing left seems crazy, but maybe that's where we find what we need. Maybe that's where we find what we've been looking for all along.

I got a text from my mini-me today. She asked me why things happen the way they do. I sat there a second before I replied. Things running through my mind, "Because God wants to use the situation to bring glory", "Because satan is against us", "Because there are lessons to be learned that will aid us in the future". While all of these perfect cliches, the response I gave was simple: "I don't know."

The fact is, I don't. There are cute answers that make me feel better. There are things that make me feel accomplished, but in all honesty, I don't know. I'm realizing that it's okay. I look back at some different trials in my life and I wonder why things had to happen that way. I learned a lesson but is that why I had to suffer through that? I have a testimony but is that reason why it was so hard? The answer? I don't know.

I don't understand God or his ways, but I know that he is always faithful. He is always merciful. He is always gracious. His ways are much better than mine...even if I don't know things along the way.

Here's the deal:

I need to read. A lot. A whole lot. Yet, I'm writing on here. Why? I'm not sure. Partially because I'm really tired and I'm terrified that if I start to read I will fall asleep. Partially because I'm overwhelmed.

I have practice in thirty-minutes. But I really feel like I'm about to die. I should go try to read.........but I would like you all to know that it's with great reluctance that I am!

The need to pack, A mighty mouse, Reina Spektor and A few random thoughts....

I'm sitting in my sister's old room (man, that's weird to say). Why? Because my room is messy and it reminds me that I need to pack. I am not ready for school. And I suppose that it's okay.

I watched a movie tonight - The Tale of Desperaux. Cutest movie ever. I loved it. Favorite quotes: "If you know fairy tales very well, then you know that no hero appears until he is needed."
"She was not really a prisoner because she had hope. And anyone who hopes cannot really be any one's prisoner."
"Sometimes when your heart breaks, it grows back crooked and gnarled. You don't mean for it too, you're just so hurt you don't realize that it's not right."
I love these quotes. They are true. No one becomes a hero until a hero is needed. This is mainly because even if they live as hero the entire time no one notices because they aren't in need of a hero. Hope somehow frees you to a point that no matter where you are, you are free. You know something more is out there and coming. Even if you die in the same chains you are in today, you die in freedom because you knew that there was more. Sometimes, people don't mean to be awful. Often it is because they have been so hurt they don't realize how much they hurt others. They don't always mean to be horrible, it is because their heart has not repaired properly - sometimes at least. Another thing I loved about the movie was the fact that one mighty mouse determined he would do right and held to a code of honor - honesty, courage, and bravery.

I'm listening to "The Call" by Regina Spektor. Talk about amazing lyrics. It makes me think a lot. About my dreams and plans and my memories. Sometimes your dreams - even your visions of past - need to just be louder than your current circumstances. Sometimes you haven't lost your fight, you just have forgotten your passion.

I'm thinking that life is funny. It's a hard balance, you know, life and spirituality. I think that sometimes we make things not spiritual enough and don't recognize the Spirit's hand in a lot. I also think others we over-"spiritualize" everything. Sometimes, I get tired -and I just want to have fun. My goal last semester was to hold on and make it through. This semester, I want to have fun and enjoy what God has blessed me with. O, I will still hold on to God and try to make it through. I will still try my hardest and do my best. But I will enjoy life now. I've just decided that it might be time.