There's no place like home....

I'm home again. Or at least I'm where my family is. I'm not sure where exactly "home" is for me now. I'm used to Springfield. Its now easier than the unsureness of being here. It's hard to answer the questions, "Are you glad to be home?" Or, "Do you miss school?" The truth is both. I'm glad to be back closer to family. But I miss people from there too.

It's weird being accountable for yourself and then coming back where people expect things to be the same. I'm not used to telling people where I've been or what I've done every hour. Not that it's bad, but just a lot different.

I'm slightly homeless, I've decided. I've got amazing people in both sides. I love my family. I love my friends. But I'm not home in any city. It would be a lot easier if I had ruby red slippers. I would click my heals together three times and repeat, "There's no place like home, There's no place like home, There's no place like home." Maybe then I would go home...and find out where exactly that is.

It's been a while since I've written. I've missed it. I love writing down my thoughts and current issues. Seeing things written down help a lot.

I should be packing. It's funny because I wrote a similar blog before I left for school. I was sitting in my room at home surrounded by clutter that I should have been packing. That is about how I am here. It's an interesting thing, growing up. I didn't want to leave in August for fear of change. I don't want to leave here now, for fear of how much things have changed there. And because I know I have changed as well. Things will be different. That is not bad. Some people find that it makes life adventurous. I will say it makes it a headache.

This summer will be hard. My sister will move. I will not be in Praisong. My sister will move. My best friend will be interning for Praisong. My sister will move. My boyfriend will be in Springfield. My sister will move. My best friend from school will be in L.A. My sister will move. And did I mention that my sister and her husband are moving this year? Yes, it will be hard, but it will be good. Challenges make us stronger right? Change proves to us that we can endure more right?

The other day, in tears, I said, "I wouldn't mind change so much but as soon as I get used to him, he's different again and then I don't like him anymore!" I wish I was joking but it's true. If change didn't change so much I would like it a lot more. O well. Let's be honest, I don't want to be who I am right now forever. I don't want to be where I am right now forever. Change is good. Yeah, I really just said that.

And since I'm in this mood, I think now is a good time to pack.

Tonight has been the night of deep thoughts. Or of thoughts that I dwell on so much that they seem deep to me. If your heart has grown cold, will being in God's will seem unpleasant to you?

I know that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I know that when we're out of his will, we will eventually feel the lack of him and decide we are doing everything in vain. I know that when we're in God's will, even during trials, we know it will be worth it. But, my question is, if our hearts become hardened to spiritual things, are we unhappy even if we're in God's will? I know that people have reasons as to why their hearts are hard. Some have been hurt my Christians. Some have been burnt out. Some have been mistreated by the church. Some have seen so many people over-spiritualize their lives for a pure show. Whatever the reason, if you're hearts hard to God's people, is your heart hard to God? What does it take to make someone realize how much God is calling them to greatness when their heart is so hardened to it all? I know that things aren't always fair or pleasant. I know people misuse power and leadership, even in Christian settings. But I know that God is greater than them. He will still use the institution even if the leadership is mis-using his name. He will judge them for their actions in the end. We are all responsible for ourselves and how well we followed Christ and listened to the voice of God. It's heartbreaking, you know, to see someone with such a great call upon their lives completely shut down when people talk about spiritual things.

Something has to change in the church and in this nation. I can't sit back and watch others let their lives pass them by because they are full of bitterness and complacency. The cost is too high. Something has to change...

I am sitting back stage of the play. This is the most anointed play, I've ever seen or been in. I just came from off stage and in that service....O in that service! Seriously, God's presence was so thick. It was like the Holy Spirit just blew in on the service and said, "I'm here!"

Our programs for the play got messed up. Different characters were matched to different names. Personally, I think it's kind of ironic. This play isn't about us. This play has never been about the cast. It has nothing to do with our talent or ability. Just as it was during the Azusa Revival, it's about letting God use you. This play will change lives. Not because it's the best; not because the actors are the best (by any means!); but because His anointing is inside of it and He has chosen to use it.

I am honored to even be back stage.

O goodness...I suppose my business has taken away from my blogging time. Now, I call that a busy life. If one, especially me, is too busy to blog, well then, something is just not right.

A lot has happened since my bitterness towards the ice storm. I have finished mid-terms, gone to Paris and even started the last have of the semester again. I am still busy (this month is consumed with the play and nothing else). But I am happy. I think that might be why I don't write quite as much anymore. I'm happy and content. I don't need to escape from the world anymore. I like it, even when it isn't great. I suppose this is my post.

Now, homework awaits and I should probably get on the stage for my scene. Just an idea...

Another reason to hate ice...

I like winter. It's my second favorite season (fall being first, of course). I like snow. I hate ice. I always have. Why? Because it traps me in. If it snows, you drive with chains on. If it ices, you sit and watch the world pass by with nothing to do. Normally, it's not all that bad. But now I am in a girls dormitory. That's like being sealed into a prison of pure estrogen. But don't worry, it gets better! The girls on my hall want there to be a snow day tomorrow so they are all screaming at the top of their lungs planning a party! Frankly, I've gotten used to hanging out with my guy friends lately and I don't know how much of this I can take!! I'm not sure, but I just may be having a breakdown. You would think that if winter is my second favorite season it wouldn't do this to me. You know, he may be a little jealous of fall, but to the extent of sending ice? Now that's just pure hatred.

Grief is an odd thing. People all handle it differently. Personally, I run. I disappear and cut myself off from people. I go write - a lot. Then I push it all away so I can be strong for others. Eventually I deal with it again. Then I move on. But it's not the stages that are so odd to me, it's the dealing with it. Again, personally, when I deal with it I don't want to talk. I don't want a Kleenex. I don't want to hear that it will be okay. I just simply want a friend to hold my hand and give me a hug. Maybe even let me cry.

I don't know how to help people in grief. We are all so different. We each have a different mind and heart. We each take things, similar things, very different. Death is such an awful word. When you know someone is dying, or someone is grieving the loss of one who's dying (or has died) life goes in slow motion. What was urgent five minutes ago can wait a little while. Why is that? It's a part of life. If you have life then you have death. There is no way around that. But we still stop what we're doing when we hear the word "death" or "passed on".

"Passed on" is not my ideal phrase. I know it's the more polite way to say it, but honestly, death just isn't polite. My friend's Mom's best friend (which is actually a stronger bond than it sounds) had a brain aneurysm and they are going to take her off life support soon. My friend told me, "I don't even want to pray, but I know I should." She has such faith and such hope in life at all times, but she is in grief. Death is reaching for someone so close to her and she can't be polite.

I don't know how to help her. One of the oddest things about grief is it does teach us something. It does teach us how to move on. How to reach out. How to trust people. I know that she will make it. Grief has a tendency to either hinder people or make them stronger. I know it will make her stronger. But still...I simply wish I could help.