Growing up, Christmas time, the Glory of rest

It's been quite awhile since I've been able to curl up with my computer and a cup of hot cocoa to write a blog. I realize that this reaffirms my lack of life but I'm okay with that. I find that there is a good balance when it comes to blogging. Perhaps my gaps have been a bit long, but blogging 17 times a day is also not the greatest idea.

Anyway, on with the blogging... This has been quite the year, and there is still time left. Growing up is an odd thing, though. It's not really something that you realize while it's happening. Yet, when you look back, all of a sudden, you're a bit "older" than you were before.

I hung Christmas lights in my apartment yesterday. If I don't have a tree to hang them on, I will at least hang them in my apartment. O don't get me wrong, I have a Christmas tree - only it's three feet tall with about four branches and one large red ornament causes it to bend over. Yes, my friends, it is a Charlie Brown tree. I'm so lucky.

Well, to wrap up this random mess of jumbled words, I'm loving the break this week. It's amazing how good it can be to simply do nothing (and by nothing I mean work and catch up on homework). O well, such is life...an easy life, too, I'll admit. But it's mine... and I'm good with that.

I feel like it has been ages since I have updated to inform...well my mom (lets be honest no one else really reads this) on my my life. Since my last post, my life has been pure chaos. O the wrinkles that my face has begun to sprout and the gray hairs that have made themselves known.

In all honesty, life has been hectic. Fall has somewhat been passed over here, a fact that makes me more sad every day. The few true fall days have not been as magical as they should be. I'm not sure why that is, but it is true. Not just for me either, it seems to be a fact for everyone I speak with. O well, there is not much anyone can do about it except carry on as best one can.

I realize that I should be doing homework right now, or working on things for the play (the joys of being half manager). Yet, I cannot do it. I am behind. I am staring at my books right next to me. And here I sit, on my blog. I justify it as I need a break. Or I need to pace myself. Or I don't feel well. Or.... I guess the list goes on and on and on and on and...you get the idea.

I truly am just procrastinating and not wanting to be doing homework. But since thats a bad habit I guess I shall go now...

The fair was in town when I went up to Springfield this past weekend. Even though the week made it difficult on the schools faithful security guards, made traffic and the school parking lots insane, I was glad it was there. Why? Because of the Ferris Wheel...

It was all lit up and absolutely gorgeous. I love Ferris Wheels... Especially at night. The colorful lights dance around in your mind as you go around and around. Every time you get to the top you can only smile as the breeze gently brushes your face. Certainly you can see everything from there. Memories of cotton candy and other over-priced goodies remain in your mind. There is just no better way to finish the day at a fair or amusement park than sitting at the "top of the world" surrounded by dazzling lights and someone you care for greatly. Yes, I love Ferris Wheels...

I also feel like I should make a side note that this is my 50th blog post. I probably shouldn't be this happy about that but it certainly does feel like a milestone. So, to all of the five people that will read this, thanks for reading.

I suppose if you know me at all you know that I'm slightly melodramatic. This is why most if not all of my stories are exaggerated and why my emotions are generally over the top (it's also why I randomly play out things I experience in my day as a melodrama that is extremely amusing to me and makes me laugh when no one else knows what is going on). For once I am trying my best to be extremely real with my emotions (I'm fairly sure that it's because I'm not the only over dramatic person around now and you can only have a very small amount of dramatic people in one area). Yet, in being real I have forced myself to make one conclusion: I am not the lone-wolf that I once was. I am not the lone-wolf I wish I were.

I've always been a melon (it's a Praisong thing...don't ask). I've always gotten frustrated because there were too many people around. I suppose to some extent I still do. I tend to drown in a sea of people. I also tend to be fake and formal when I don't feel comfortable around a lot of people. Despite all of this, I regret the moments where I chose to be alone when I could have spent time with my friends. I miss people. I miss having deep conversations. I miss laughing with friends. I am fairly independent most of the time. I don't need people to accomplish a task or to go out or have a good time. But I have been alone for a great deal of time and I am very lonely. I kind of feel like the social leper who has been cast out from society (in all fairness, I warned you it would be melodramatic...).

All of this was merely to say that people are important and I think that I forget that sometimes. I have amazing friends but I'm very used to them being around. I'm certainly going to try to start appreciating them more (and also on that note, my best friend is amazing...he's getting me something from NY. I asked but still surprised he's going to!). I've also realized that my friends are very very awesome for putting up with me!!!

I should be writing my paper, but instead I'm writing this...

This week has been very interesting. I've been really discouraged and unsure of whether or not I could handle it (it being the theatre world) again. Because I wasn't sure if I could handle it, I was very unsure if I could ever open and run a theatre where a cast has a mutual respect for everyone and doesn't go get wasted every night. I had some good friends who were kind enough to appease my worries, but last night at practice my director leaned over to me during a chorus number and said, "There is the future. When you're ready for them, we will have them ready for you." It made me feel good.

I've been trying lately to be more positive. I know, I know it's crazy talk for me to be positive. Yet, here I am. Most of the people I hang out with at my studio are extremely negative and I realized that it's really annoying!!!! I'm amazed I have friends if I have sounded like that my whole life! Thus, I am attempting to be positive. I will not become an optimist though, I refuse... Maybe I can be a realist. That's what I will aim for.

O and in case anyone was wondering, that does not mean I'll stop being a drama queen.

Teal water, random memories, and a side note...

I'm sitting in my sister's old room (my writing room now!) listening to the ocean on my ambiance application on my iPhone. It doesn't begin to do the ocean justice but for an app, it's not too bad!

The sound of the waves reminds me of Florida this past December. I would have given so much to not go on that trip. I suppose it worked out perfectly, but it was very terrifying to consider! I remember sitting on the balcony of our room early that morning watching the sun come up. I was out there writing my heart out, trying not to cry and then I looked up. There was a section of the ocean that was completely teal (my favorite color). It made me smile. For some reason that was enough to get me through the day!

I gained a lot that trip. I got no sleep but a little bit in common with the girls on the drama team (carting blankets down to the beach at 1:30 in the morning just to talk!). I got a rolled ankle but got to get to know a great group of students. I got very sun burnt but I got the closure that I needed. As much I didn't want to go on the trip I needed the trip even more. Sometimes I find the the things I need most in the places I fear most...If that makes sense. I had to overcome a lot of fear to step onto that bus with people who more or less hated me. I was fighting it every step of the way. Somehow, I made it through. After the first day though it was a lot easier. I felt like the ocean was on my side since it wore teal in my honor. It was enough to convince me God was on my side no matter what, that's for sure...

And also, I miss the ocean...just a side note

I'm convinced people have a disease. My drama teacher was telling a story of her "first days in theatre" and there was a person there who jumped right in afterwards to tell a story of his own. It amazes me how much we miss because we're so concerned our own lives. If we paid attention to the wisdom in other people's stories, mistakes and lives.

The sky is gorgeous tonight. After I got home from practice I laid out on our patio and just stared into space. It made me wish that I had been camping before...

I was reminded today that I am the last Summers' girl (the last one of the four grand daughters not married). It's weird how things change. How people grow up. How they move off. I remember writing long before anyone fell in love and moved off and I stated how much I didn't want things to change (then again I hate change so...). I shared my fears of the fourth of July never being the same and how much I wouldn't be able to stand that. After my cousin moved off I tasted some of that (and that year the fourth was hard to deal with!), but now that my sister is gone too. It's hard to grow up, but great things are to come. It's scary growing up but, as Dennis Sprouse says, without risk it is impossible to grow.