I got a text from my mini-me today. She asked me why things happen the way they do. I sat there a second before I replied. Things running through my mind, "Because God wants to use the situation to bring glory", "Because satan is against us", "Because there are lessons to be learned that will aid us in the future". While all of these perfect cliches, the response I gave was simple: "I don't know."

The fact is, I don't. There are cute answers that make me feel better. There are things that make me feel accomplished, but in all honesty, I don't know. I'm realizing that it's okay. I look back at some different trials in my life and I wonder why things had to happen that way. I learned a lesson but is that why I had to suffer through that? I have a testimony but is that reason why it was so hard? The answer? I don't know.

I don't understand God or his ways, but I know that he is always faithful. He is always merciful. He is always gracious. His ways are much better than mine...even if I don't know things along the way.

Here's the deal:

I need to read. A lot. A whole lot. Yet, I'm writing on here. Why? I'm not sure. Partially because I'm really tired and I'm terrified that if I start to read I will fall asleep. Partially because I'm overwhelmed.

I have practice in thirty-minutes. But I really feel like I'm about to die. I should go try to read.........but I would like you all to know that it's with great reluctance that I am!

The need to pack, A mighty mouse, Reina Spektor and A few random thoughts....

I'm sitting in my sister's old room (man, that's weird to say). Why? Because my room is messy and it reminds me that I need to pack. I am not ready for school. And I suppose that it's okay.

I watched a movie tonight - The Tale of Desperaux. Cutest movie ever. I loved it. Favorite quotes: "If you know fairy tales very well, then you know that no hero appears until he is needed."
"She was not really a prisoner because she had hope. And anyone who hopes cannot really be any one's prisoner."
"Sometimes when your heart breaks, it grows back crooked and gnarled. You don't mean for it too, you're just so hurt you don't realize that it's not right."
I love these quotes. They are true. No one becomes a hero until a hero is needed. This is mainly because even if they live as hero the entire time no one notices because they aren't in need of a hero. Hope somehow frees you to a point that no matter where you are, you are free. You know something more is out there and coming. Even if you die in the same chains you are in today, you die in freedom because you knew that there was more. Sometimes, people don't mean to be awful. Often it is because they have been so hurt they don't realize how much they hurt others. They don't always mean to be horrible, it is because their heart has not repaired properly - sometimes at least. Another thing I loved about the movie was the fact that one mighty mouse determined he would do right and held to a code of honor - honesty, courage, and bravery.

I'm listening to "The Call" by Regina Spektor. Talk about amazing lyrics. It makes me think a lot. About my dreams and plans and my memories. Sometimes your dreams - even your visions of past - need to just be louder than your current circumstances. Sometimes you haven't lost your fight, you just have forgotten your passion.

I'm thinking that life is funny. It's a hard balance, you know, life and spirituality. I think that sometimes we make things not spiritual enough and don't recognize the Spirit's hand in a lot. I also think others we over-"spiritualize" everything. Sometimes, I get tired -and I just want to have fun. My goal last semester was to hold on and make it through. This semester, I want to have fun and enjoy what God has blessed me with. O, I will still hold on to God and try to make it through. I will still try my hardest and do my best. But I will enjoy life now. I've just decided that it might be time.

Dad's gotten into this "take back the attic and garage" thing going on this month. I guess it's a guy thing. Anyways, because of this he brought all my sister's and my old school work. Mom went through and found things she wanted to save and things that she didn't mind throwing away. I went through a couple of my old writing journals. It made me laugh. And it also made me realize that my spelling has actually gotten better - who would have thought?!

It's good to be home. My break is flying by a little bit - no, a lot too fast. Yet, as everyone keeps saying, certainly it will get better. If I made it this semester, I can make it next. And the next and the next and....O goodness! Let's just take it a semester at a time.

I finally sent out some of my France letters. I know God will provide. Besides, that's the only way I can get the money!

Christmas time is here...

Do you ever wish you were a kid again? I never did until this year. I always thought, "No! I don't wish I were a kid again because that means I wouldn't be content with where I am now." Now that I feel that way, I realize that I was wrong. I wish, at times, to be a kid again, and I am still perfectly content with the life I live. There are times when it leads to a little discontentment. Sometimes it makes me sad. But most times it just makes me remember what it was like to be a child.

Memories mean a lot to me. I have a very good memory and I remember like everything in my life - good and bad. I think back to times when I was sad and my mom would rock me in our blue chair 'till I would fall asleep. I think one night after a very hard day at school I actually just said, "All I want is my mommy to rock me in my blue chair and pretend none of this happened!" Of course, that wouldn't have solved anything, but I thought it. I also remember my cousins and sister ganging up on me, and Christmas.Christmas was my favorite. The decorating, the presents, the cartoon movies about Frosty and Santa Clause. And, of course, the Christmas cookies that we'd always make.

I've heard it my whole life, but time does fly, doesn't it? My sister is now married. Both of my cousins are married as well; one is moved off as well. It's so crazy. I suppose it makes me appreciate memories of my childhood more. I know that years from now I will look back and appreciate memories that I'm making now. I will say, "Man, I wish that I were eighteen again!"

I suppose this was supposed to be a merry Christmas message. Or one to simply say, revel in what you've had and you have now. Enjoy family, friends, God, and life. Enjoy Christmas...I will.

Finals Week

Yes, I should be studying for my Old Testament exam at 7:30, but I just can't focus right now. My thoughts are just whirling around in my head. So, I will let them out. Sound good?

My sister got married on Saturday. It was a beautiful wedding. She was the most beautiful bride. Her, now, husband cried. I watched her walk down the isle with tears in my eyes. They were tears of joy and of sadness. I'm so happy for her, yet, I'm a little sad for me. Walking into my house after break and not seeing her will be hard. I went to borrow a pair of shoes while I was home and I opened her closet to find everything gone. I'm happy, I am, but I'm also sad. I think back to all the things I hated about her when we were growing up. How much I couldn't stand her "perfectness". And everyone would say, "Danielle, she's not perfect..." But she is. She is the most perfect Amanda ever - faults included. I get so frustrated with her, but in the end, I still love her and I always will. I think that's why it's safe to get mad at her. I know that no matter what we'll be friends again before the nights over. She's been a lot of things to me over the years: an annoyance, a role model, a jerk, an encourager, but most of all she's been a hero. I've seen her mess up and say and do things she shouldn't, but I've seen her plead forgiveness. I've seen her become a little distant from God, but I've held her in my arms at 2:30 in the morning praying in tongues as a new passion was birthed inside of her. I've seen her at her best and worst and I love her through both of them. She is the best.

Now that that's outta the way...I leave for home on Wednesday. I can't wait. It's going to come quick, but unfortunately breaks gonna fly by quickly too. I suppose now that I think about how many finals I need to study for I should actually do that.

Happy New Beginning Day!

Well, as I promised, I am ready to write now. Today is December 1 (I know, I know, you learn so much from my posts). That means it is New Beginning Day. No, you won't find that on any calendar, but it's a special day for me. On the first of every month I stop for a moment on my busy day and think about last month. All of the bad, and all of the good. All of things that I regret and things I'm glad I did. Then I take the good, and keep the memories. But with the bad things I find lessons that I need to learn from mistakes and then let them go. And thus, it is a new beginning.

I've got a lot of papers due. My final paper was moved up. I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm at peace. I tell you, being here has been the biggest roller-coaster I've ever lived. I read something I wrote a sometime last year and I spoke of wanting adventure. I spoke of longing to be at CBC. O how ironic things are! Now, I am ready to be home. I'm ready to retreat from adventure for awhile. I suppose it's normal. Perhaps it's not, let be honest, not much about me is. But God is faithful. Isn't that the motto of my life? "God is faithful." I sometimes have to repeat it to myself about fifty-seven times a minute, but it never changes. My circumstances change, my stress level increases, my amount of sleep decreases, but my God is always faithful.

I'm going to make time to blow bubbles today. One of my friends here handed me a tube of bubbles today and said, "Let it go for a second and blow bubbles. Shuffle your feet in the snow and just smile for a little bit." So that's what I'm going to do (except shuffle my feet in the snow - the sun has mostly melted it all now). I have to write a speech and make a Wal-Mart run and then I will pause, blow bubbles and smile. Doesn't that sound nice? It sure does for me.

Thought of the day? Simply what my mother texted me (paraphrased, sorry Mom): God has not sent you here to fail, but to succeed, and He will be your success and your strength. Life is hard. Circumstances are awful and overwhelming. Yet, God has placed you where you are for a reason. It may be hard, but He hasn't sent you there to fail. Rely on Him for your strength and you will succeed. Also...go blow some bubbles, shuffle your feet in the snow (if it exists for you) and smile.