For all who don't know, I've been posting every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on my new blog. It's more of a generalized blog than this one which I deem to be more personal. If you want to check the other out feel free (www.desumm.wordpress.com).

Tonight is one of those nights. I'm sitting in my little apartment and realizing for the first time how "me" it is. When I started this blog I rambled about packing for college and the fear and excitement of what was to come. I don't think I ever expected it turn out this way. I don't think I ever expected this little apartment to become my home. I think that's why it surprised me tonight to look up from my journal and see little pieces of me hanging on the wall. I'm glad life is life that. It tends to slap you in the face about a year or so later on and make you realize how far you have come and remind you of you who you have become.

My favorite Dr. Seuss quote says, “How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

It makes me think about things. It makes me remember that feeling I felt as I was packing for college. It reminds me moving away from the campus to my little apartment. It makes me think of my best friends getting married and having babies. It makes me think about the people I care about and makes me wonder how much love I will be able to hold inside of me in the next twenty years or so. It makes me appreciate today for what it is. It makes me love the moment I'm in.

Time goes by quickly and I'm assuming it won't ever stop. Don't wait till things are perfect to appreciate them. Don't wait till you have the perfect job to spend time with your family. Don't wait till you live in your perfect place to love who you are. Don't waste what you have before its gone. Take every moment and opportunity given to you. Before you know it you'll be asking, "How did it get so late so soon?"

The final days of the semester are counting down. I suppose they are always counting down but I am finally deeming the end close enough to count them. Seven more days. This poses not only a great joy but also a great stress. Must finish strong. That's what I keep muttering to myself when my fried, sleep deprived brain begs for rest. Must finish strong.

As I finish strong, I am not only counting down to the end of the semester but also the end of my undergraduate career. As of December I will be done. Because of the unofficialness still hanging over my future plans I hesitate to let the blog world know exactly what's going on, but I can say it's exciting.

Usaully we view dreams as our final goals and our entire lives are spent finding the best stepping stone to get there. It's an amazing feeling when you realize that even a dream is a stepping stone to what adventure truly lies ahead. I have never experienced reaching a dream or goal in this manner before and I'm excited for untold adventures ahead.

The little chant that I've been muttering is not merely a chant that is applicable to all aspects of life. It is easy to be excited for the new, best thing in your life. Yet, once the excitement wears off it's easier to say, "Whatever, I'll do that better later." It's important to finish strong in all things. Must finish strong.

There is a distinct pain that comes when you are forced to say goodbye to a person or thing that is dear to you. Sometimes it is little things such as moving away from your first home. Sometimes it's much larger things like dealing with a death of someone you loved or losing a friendship.

Saying goodbye is not easy for anyone to deal with. I am not looking forward to the day when I have to sell my little, blue Honda Civic. I know I will get another car that I love just as much, but it is my first car and I don't want to say goodbye. I don’t know how I’ll handle packing up my tiny apartment and moving across the country. They are both little things that I dread leaving behind.

People are the hardest for me to consider saying goodbye to. The people I truly love are dear to me. Saying goodbye to people I love is not what really what I want to do.

In his book, “Winnie the Pooh,” A.A. Milne wrote, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

When I begin to consider how badly it hurts to lose a person I love, I remind myself of this quote. It isn’t easy to watch a relationship end. It isn’t easy to give up the minute things that mean a lot to you, like a car. It isn’t easy to accept the death of a loved one. It simply isn’t.
When I’m feeling that distinct pain of saying goodbye, I try to remember “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Some things slip through our hands, so to speak. We did not realize they were leaving until they were gone. Some, however, we see them leaving and still can't seem to let go of them.

Shakespeare wrote, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Shakespeare lied. It is better to have known love than to have never loved at all, yes. It is better to have known love than to have died without ever tasting it. It is not better to have loved and lost. The memories are mostly all wonderful, yet, the pang of losing that love seems unbearable.

It isn't easy to let go when you love someone so truly. It isn't easy move on when you wish so badly to spend forever with that someone. It isn't easy. It isn't fun. It isn't enjoyable. Still, it is necessary. It is bearable. It is possible.

Letting go of hope is, no doubt, the hardest. The hope "of what could be" maybe possibly after all these things is more harmful than helpful. That hope will only give cause to hurt you more later on in life.

What, then, will help you move on? What will help you to let go? What will teach your heart not to love that one certain someone? I'm not sure anyone actually knows the answer to those questions.

I do, however, know that life is an adventure, even the parts that are tragic. It won't stay tragic forever. Life will never stay the same for long if you keep learning, going and doing. As long as you are willing to risk letting go, you will be able to. Do not rush through the process.

Letting go can be an adventure all on its own.

This is a test. This is only a test

Content

I'm a dreamer. I dream big dreams. I dream of big adventures. I dream of exotic places and exhilarating jobs. I dream all the time. I do not have the luxury of going to sleep then dreaming then waking up from them. No, these dreams are always on my mind.

My dreams always have me in other places but few times do they make me discontent with my life. Today is one of those few times. This morning was one of those rare mornings where I woke up and dreamed of something I couldn't have. One of those saddening times when I realized that what I want probably won't be what I get.

All dreamers out there understand what I mean. They know how it feels to wake up and have a dream scratching at their hearts door, whining to be let back in. They know how it feels to have to turn the dream away because it doesn't fit inside anymore, it just can't.

I wish I were content with the dreams that my heart has let in inside instead of whining about that one that I still want. I wish I were content in knowing that I'm lucky enough to have been able to have the dream in my heart to begin with.

I'm not currently content. But, as all dreamers know, there will be another dream scratching on my heart's door eventually - and I suppose that will be good enough for me.

Happy New Year

It is a new year - 2011.

Last year ended far differently than I expected it to. This year began far differently than I expected it to be. I suppose there is always things in life that people merely deal with. You don't ask for difficult times. You don't want them. They still come and you still have to deal with them.

I spent four hours of my New Years Eve stuck at an Emergency Room because of a severe stomachy-gross thing (yes, that is the technical term). I was slightly delirious on morphine for a while and after telling my sister what every one's Ora was (because I could sense it) I told her my favorite thing about life.

I like that it's unexpected, I said (apparently). I like that you have to risk everything to get anything - even if you just get hurt.

Risk is a funny thing. If you are willing to risk gaining everything you also have to risk losing everything. You never know what it'll be until you get there. And once you get there you have to risk again and it's still just as unexpected. I think the hardest thing about risking yourself comes once you put your all out there and you end up getting more hurt than you expected. That's the point where it's most difficult to put yourself back out there. That's when it's most difficult to say, "I will love again. I will live again. I will risk again."

This is a New Year with new opportunities - even ones that we just have to deal with. My resolution this year is to take a risk again. I encourage you to do the same. It's funny how just one action can lead you either to your greatest heartache or on your greatest adventure.

Love What You See

I'm watching Pushing Daisies, Season 2, Episode 2. Having exactly 2 minutes and 53 seconds left to the show the Private Investigator begins to say these words, "Love what you see."

The facts are: At the beginning of the episode a tense, "perfect" mother came to the Private investigator asking for help in finding her missing daughter, whom she missed very much. At the same time, the Pie Maker, Olive, Chuck and the two unmarried sisters who Chuck calls Aunts are all attempting to handle change and learn to let go. Through a series of events, that shall be referred to as the plot of the episode, the tense, "perfect" mother was reunited with her daughter. She began to tell her daughter how much trouble she had caused and seemed to forget how much she had missed her daughter two seconds before the exact time in which the Private Investigator said these words, “Love what you see."

I suppose if you don't watch Pushing Daisies then that was confusing. The show is narrated that way and I felt that it was fitting.

"Love what you see." I love that that phrase was said right at that moment. The mother claimed she didn't know who her daughter was anymore. Emerson Cod (the Private Investigator) commanded her to love what she saw. It didn't matter that she had changed. She was still her daughter and she still needed to love her. Ned (the Pie Maker), Olive, Chuck and her Aunts learned to do the same with the change in their lives, though it was not easy.

Life will not always be the same. Change is hard to accept for most people. I'm definitely one of them. No matter how much I hate it, it will still happen. When it does I only have two choices. I can make myself miserable wishing for how it could and "should be"; or I can simply love what I see.

A Glass Slipper

I am not a very clumsy person. I fall down and spill my food a lot but I don't really break very many things (except for cups...they are just too fragile!). Okay, maybe I’m clumsy. Nonetheless, I've only broken two things in my apartment that were made of glass since I moved in. I am not able to forget that I did. Why? Because I'm still finding glass.

I'm not dirty. I vacuum. Yet somehow, for the second time this fall, I have pulled two shards of glass from my foot. The first experience was rather painful. I cried. A lot. By the second time, I sort of felt like a pro at pulling glass from my bare foot so it went a tad smoother.

It got me to thinking about what would have happened if Cinderella's shoes broke while she was wearing them? Would she still have ended up with Prince Charming? It's awfully hard to dance with glass sticking out of your foot. Would she have been angry at her godmother? I mean, sure, the slippers were given as the best present of her life but there were so many ways that it could have ended, and some of them are not so good. In a lot of ways, she was just lucky.

What I love so much about it though is that she didn't care about those other scenarios. She didn't argue with her godmother about the fact that glass shoes are just never a good idea. She didn’t think about the risk involved. She knew what she wanted and went, enjoying her gift while she could.

I realize she was just a fictional character but I still don’t think that is a bad way to live. Life is not forever. I'm not trying to be depressing, it's just a fact. Life is a gift and there are so many ways that could end. Sometimes, we can't control the bad things that play into our gift. We don’t ask for shoes of death. But we still control other things in life, like our thoughts and outlooks. If we can realize that our life is still a wonderful gift, glass shoes and all, then maybe we can enjoy it while we can.

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Autumn

I found this and I felt it fit again...

It's a beautiful day. Oh goodness, there is just something about Fall, I promise you! People say that Spring and Fall are the same, but they aren't. You see when Fall comes you've been through the bitter Winter of last year, and the intense rains of the Spring, and even the hot dry Summer (both physically and metaphorically). Thus, by the time Fall comes the weather is cool and the wind is singing to you the songs of peace. The leaves put on a different costume and dance in your honor because you made it through the difficult times! Yes, in Fall you simply have to bask in this glory. You can't complain about the cold Winter that's ahead because then you don't even revel in this peace, in this beauty that is all around.

I had the TV on in the background. I think it was a commercial for why Michigan is a wonderful vacation spot but I only focused on one phrase: "It's amazing that when we get to a place where no one knows us we become more and more like ourselves."

A crazy concept, isn't it? I think that we begin to find ourselves more when we are farther away from "our stomping grounds." I think that we too quickly lose sight of who we really are and what is really important.

When we were on our trip there was sense of freedom. I could dance around New York, hop around Canada. I could scream out the window on the road, I could jump on a bed in my hotel room. Why? I wasn't at home. I didn't have responsibilities. I didn't have to worry about my boss see me skipping through the park and consider firing me because I'm insane. I could have fun... I realized that I can have fun. I was finally free to be me and figure out just who me is.

No matter what your age is, no matter where you live or what you do, everyone needs to take a trip. Even if it isn't to an amazing place like Michigan apparently is! Everyone needs to have the freedom to find themselves again. The freedom to be themselves again. The freedom to figure out what is really important and figure out why.

It's amazing how much we learn about who we want to be when we realize who we can be.

I don't believe that people can have too many dreams. I don't think that people should ever give up on those dreams either. I saw a quote that spoke this better than I could.
"No one should negotiate their dreams. Dreams must be free to flee and fly high...You should never agree to surrender your dreams." - Jesse Jackson (Okay, I know I just quoted Jesse Jackson but please focus on the quote! It really is a good one!!)

My grandpa has more reason to give up his dreams than anyone else I know. And he's never done that. He fell of a ladder and broke his back years ago. I've never heard him be bitter about his limitations.
But the other day I saw the first hint of disappointment in his eyes. I told him that I would be going to Maine on my trip. He said he always wanted to go there but never had the chance. I told him that if there was ever a way he could make the trip I'd have him there in a heart-beat.

It reminded me of when I was little. He told me that his grandpa always loved the banjo and that it made him wish he'd learned how to play. I made it up in my mind then that I would learn to play the banjo. The other day when I told him I'd take as many pictures of Maine that I could, I added a dream to my already long list. I'm getting a banjo and learning to play a song so I can play it for him...and maybe even teach my Papaw how to play too!

There are alot of things that make you want to give up on your dreams. Sometimes the worst enemy of your dreams is your own doubt. Why is that? Even if you never accomplish your dreams, you will be more remembered for never giving them up than you will be if you give into doubt. So never surrender your dreams, to anyone. Let them soar and free. Let yourself soar and be free too.

Besides, you can never be too old (or musically challenged) to learn to play the banjo.

Little Moments of Win

I was not in a good mood when I came to work tonight. I sulked and pouted and griped and groaned. Then I stumbled onto this site called It Made My Day (itmademyday.com). On the banner for the site it says "Little Moments of Win." And I loved that. There are a lot of sites today where people are able to complain and talk about how their lives are terrible and will never go right and it was nice to see that people still get to win.

My favorite story of the many I read was this one:
An elderly man came into the shop where I work in wanting to place an order. While I was working we got to chatting and he told me that he was one of the oldest students at the nearby university. I asked him why he decided to start studying again and he said, "I just thought, what does one do between now and death? Might as well learn Turkish!" IMMD [It Made My Day]

That is such an inspiration to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just taking what life throws at me. Good and bad (complaining about the bad and being ungrateful for the good). It's nice to remember to seize every moment between now and death. Have fun as much as possible. And maybe even learn Turkish!

Every day has the potential to have little moments of win.

And by the way...I'm not in a bad mood anymore.

Words are the one powerful thing that most everyone has access to. And of course with power comes great responsibility. But I don't know if we apply that words often. We get lazy and self absorbed. It's not that we mean to do that but we usually do. We don't usually notice the subtle hints that people are giving us. And maybe we're the ones giving subtle hints when we should just come right out and say what we mean.

With all this confusion it's amazing that we are able to live and function together, even if it's not always well. In all of this mess it's very important to remember who you are. People may ask you to be more or less or different, but it's always best to just be you.

Here's a tip for living in this mess we call home: Be the one that controls your attitude. If someone hurt you, you choose how to respond. If you're upset and want someone to make you feel better, stop that. You be the one to make yourself feel better. Who knows, maybe the person that upset you just didn't pick up on your hint and doesn't even know why you're upset.

Crunch Time

I love the way it feels after it rains. It feels like the only time that the air is really clean (although I'm sure there is some study out there that completely shuts down that idea and tells me that there are more impurities in the air after it rains than any other time). The water is still on the ground and at night the street lights make it shine. This makes the road incredibly dangerous (at least for my terrible depth perception) but gorgeous at the same time. I feel like the earth is so proud its beaming.

It's crunch time for me...which is why I titled this blog "Crunch Time"...in case you were wondering. Yes, I should be writing papers. Or working on my script. Or possibly my miniature set. Or drawing. Or catching up on reading. Basically, I shouldn't be on this site. But I haven't been here in a while (sorry, Mom). And I really don't want to do any of that. Plus I'm dizzy. I think one of these should justify the fact I'm procrastinating.

I'm not worried though (I'm a little worried but only because I keep having the bouts of procrastination...this one has lasted for the entire semester. Oops). I have no choice but to get everything done. So I will. I will. I will? yes. I will.

I'm trying to be positive. I think my last blog said that. I'm actually doing it this time though. I've started this new thing. I'm calling it "21 days to be a better me". Actually, I just made that up because I've been calling it "21 days to not be uptight" but I didn't want to post it on here that I'm ridiculously uptight, but it's the truth. I still like "21 days to a better me" better though.
Here's why: I don't like being uptight. Uptight people are not happy people. They do not make other people happy. They may be "go-getters" but the fact is they don't believe in themselves enough to go or get! They are too worried that something will mess up and then they will be worse off than when they started. I don't like being that. I see older women in Wal-Mart or the mall and they have frown wrinkles that are more noticeable than their faces. I don't want that. I don't like the idea of being the person everyone avoids. So! In 21 days (how long it takes to make a habit) I will be uptight free. Or close to that. I started last week and had to restart earlier this week. But I will complete this!

And my homework...which I should probably do right now.

But before I go I would like to make sure everyone understands that when I find out what age you can be a crab for no reason, I will still be that lady. Mainly because I think it will be funny. As long as we're clear on that...

Do you ever have any "I left my oven on" moments? Mine seem to always happen right when I'm going to bed. Those times when your mind seem to wind down, your muscles begin to relax, and then suddenly, "Did I lock the door? I turned off the oven right? I wonder if I forgot to do any assignments for tomorrow. Was I supposed to call in to work today? I put the laundry in the dryer, right?" Just an idea of the thoughts running through my head right now. Why this made me want to blog I don't know. I think that it's just another example of uptight Americans. Even when it's time to rest it rarely happens.

I'm now off to hopefully sleep. To sum this up: always double check your oven before bed.

Happy New Year!

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2010 yet! It's weird to say, 2010...
Of course I must review 2009 since it is my first post of year. Last year was amazing. My resolution was to have more fun, and that certainly happened. Okay! Review done!

I went to Barnes&Noble tonight. I love that place. I got a new book, "The Pessimist's Guide to History." Amazing, right? I love books because they're adventurous and fun. They help achieve goals, answer questions and help you learn more about life around you and life before you. I want to learn to speed read (I decided tonight) and I also want to get a really cool organic cook book (you know for when I can afford to cook organic things...okay for when I dream about being able to afford to cook organic things).
I also love the notebooks they have there. They aren't just your average notebooks. These are special, different. They just look like they should be used when you're on an airplane heading to an amazing land or when you're fulfilling a life-time goal. They are just made for writing about adventure and spectacular days. I have two of their notebooks. One meant for adventures and one meant for everything theatre. Both only partially used. I feel like I have to save them for things that outrageously important.
I think I still want to buy other notebooks from there every time because I want to be able to fill them quickly. I want to be able to have such adventures everyday that the notebooks just spill out information. I think everyone wants their lives to be like that. Why do I think that? Because the isles most crowded tonight at Barnes&Noble were "Finances" and "Self Help." There is nothing wrong with either of those isles, nothing at all, but it shows people aren't satisfied. People want more money or the knowledge to balance what they have better. People want to be better. They want to feel better about themselves. People want to live adventurous lives and not just read about them.

I don't have a lot of money...Okay, I barely have any money. I can't afford the gas to drive all over the U.S. (although I am saving up for a road trip in May). I can't afford to go to Ireland, England, Switzerland, Greece...Everywhere! But I suppose I can be adventurous here. I can still fill up my notebooks about little Ol' Springfield. I can still have the time of my life, just living my life.

Of course, I will always be a pessimist, so we'll see how this goes.
Happy New Year.

Growing up, Christmas time, the Glory of rest

It's been quite awhile since I've been able to curl up with my computer and a cup of hot cocoa to write a blog. I realize that this reaffirms my lack of life but I'm okay with that. I find that there is a good balance when it comes to blogging. Perhaps my gaps have been a bit long, but blogging 17 times a day is also not the greatest idea.

Anyway, on with the blogging... This has been quite the year, and there is still time left. Growing up is an odd thing, though. It's not really something that you realize while it's happening. Yet, when you look back, all of a sudden, you're a bit "older" than you were before.

I hung Christmas lights in my apartment yesterday. If I don't have a tree to hang them on, I will at least hang them in my apartment. O don't get me wrong, I have a Christmas tree - only it's three feet tall with about four branches and one large red ornament causes it to bend over. Yes, my friends, it is a Charlie Brown tree. I'm so lucky.

Well, to wrap up this random mess of jumbled words, I'm loving the break this week. It's amazing how good it can be to simply do nothing (and by nothing I mean work and catch up on homework). O well, such is life...an easy life, too, I'll admit. But it's mine... and I'm good with that.

I feel like it has been ages since I have updated to inform...well my mom (lets be honest no one else really reads this) on my my life. Since my last post, my life has been pure chaos. O the wrinkles that my face has begun to sprout and the gray hairs that have made themselves known.

In all honesty, life has been hectic. Fall has somewhat been passed over here, a fact that makes me more sad every day. The few true fall days have not been as magical as they should be. I'm not sure why that is, but it is true. Not just for me either, it seems to be a fact for everyone I speak with. O well, there is not much anyone can do about it except carry on as best one can.

I realize that I should be doing homework right now, or working on things for the play (the joys of being half manager). Yet, I cannot do it. I am behind. I am staring at my books right next to me. And here I sit, on my blog. I justify it as I need a break. Or I need to pace myself. Or I don't feel well. Or.... I guess the list goes on and on and on and on and...you get the idea.

I truly am just procrastinating and not wanting to be doing homework. But since thats a bad habit I guess I shall go now...