For all who don't know, I've been posting every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on my new blog. It's more of a generalized blog than this one which I deem to be more personal. If you want to check the other out feel free (www.desumm.wordpress.com).

Tonight is one of those nights. I'm sitting in my little apartment and realizing for the first time how "me" it is. When I started this blog I rambled about packing for college and the fear and excitement of what was to come. I don't think I ever expected it turn out this way. I don't think I ever expected this little apartment to become my home. I think that's why it surprised me tonight to look up from my journal and see little pieces of me hanging on the wall. I'm glad life is life that. It tends to slap you in the face about a year or so later on and make you realize how far you have come and remind you of you who you have become.

My favorite Dr. Seuss quote says, “How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

It makes me think about things. It makes me remember that feeling I felt as I was packing for college. It reminds me moving away from the campus to my little apartment. It makes me think of my best friends getting married and having babies. It makes me think about the people I care about and makes me wonder how much love I will be able to hold inside of me in the next twenty years or so. It makes me appreciate today for what it is. It makes me love the moment I'm in.

Time goes by quickly and I'm assuming it won't ever stop. Don't wait till things are perfect to appreciate them. Don't wait till you have the perfect job to spend time with your family. Don't wait till you live in your perfect place to love who you are. Don't waste what you have before its gone. Take every moment and opportunity given to you. Before you know it you'll be asking, "How did it get so late so soon?"

The final days of the semester are counting down. I suppose they are always counting down but I am finally deeming the end close enough to count them. Seven more days. This poses not only a great joy but also a great stress. Must finish strong. That's what I keep muttering to myself when my fried, sleep deprived brain begs for rest. Must finish strong.

As I finish strong, I am not only counting down to the end of the semester but also the end of my undergraduate career. As of December I will be done. Because of the unofficialness still hanging over my future plans I hesitate to let the blog world know exactly what's going on, but I can say it's exciting.

Usaully we view dreams as our final goals and our entire lives are spent finding the best stepping stone to get there. It's an amazing feeling when you realize that even a dream is a stepping stone to what adventure truly lies ahead. I have never experienced reaching a dream or goal in this manner before and I'm excited for untold adventures ahead.

The little chant that I've been muttering is not merely a chant that is applicable to all aspects of life. It is easy to be excited for the new, best thing in your life. Yet, once the excitement wears off it's easier to say, "Whatever, I'll do that better later." It's important to finish strong in all things. Must finish strong.

There is a distinct pain that comes when you are forced to say goodbye to a person or thing that is dear to you. Sometimes it is little things such as moving away from your first home. Sometimes it's much larger things like dealing with a death of someone you loved or losing a friendship.

Saying goodbye is not easy for anyone to deal with. I am not looking forward to the day when I have to sell my little, blue Honda Civic. I know I will get another car that I love just as much, but it is my first car and I don't want to say goodbye. I don’t know how I’ll handle packing up my tiny apartment and moving across the country. They are both little things that I dread leaving behind.

People are the hardest for me to consider saying goodbye to. The people I truly love are dear to me. Saying goodbye to people I love is not what really what I want to do.

In his book, “Winnie the Pooh,” A.A. Milne wrote, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

When I begin to consider how badly it hurts to lose a person I love, I remind myself of this quote. It isn’t easy to watch a relationship end. It isn’t easy to give up the minute things that mean a lot to you, like a car. It isn’t easy to accept the death of a loved one. It simply isn’t.
When I’m feeling that distinct pain of saying goodbye, I try to remember “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Some things slip through our hands, so to speak. We did not realize they were leaving until they were gone. Some, however, we see them leaving and still can't seem to let go of them.

Shakespeare wrote, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Shakespeare lied. It is better to have known love than to have never loved at all, yes. It is better to have known love than to have died without ever tasting it. It is not better to have loved and lost. The memories are mostly all wonderful, yet, the pang of losing that love seems unbearable.

It isn't easy to let go when you love someone so truly. It isn't easy move on when you wish so badly to spend forever with that someone. It isn't easy. It isn't fun. It isn't enjoyable. Still, it is necessary. It is bearable. It is possible.

Letting go of hope is, no doubt, the hardest. The hope "of what could be" maybe possibly after all these things is more harmful than helpful. That hope will only give cause to hurt you more later on in life.

What, then, will help you move on? What will help you to let go? What will teach your heart not to love that one certain someone? I'm not sure anyone actually knows the answer to those questions.

I do, however, know that life is an adventure, even the parts that are tragic. It won't stay tragic forever. Life will never stay the same for long if you keep learning, going and doing. As long as you are willing to risk letting go, you will be able to. Do not rush through the process.

Letting go can be an adventure all on its own.

This is a test. This is only a test

Content

I'm a dreamer. I dream big dreams. I dream of big adventures. I dream of exotic places and exhilarating jobs. I dream all the time. I do not have the luxury of going to sleep then dreaming then waking up from them. No, these dreams are always on my mind.

My dreams always have me in other places but few times do they make me discontent with my life. Today is one of those few times. This morning was one of those rare mornings where I woke up and dreamed of something I couldn't have. One of those saddening times when I realized that what I want probably won't be what I get.

All dreamers out there understand what I mean. They know how it feels to wake up and have a dream scratching at their hearts door, whining to be let back in. They know how it feels to have to turn the dream away because it doesn't fit inside anymore, it just can't.

I wish I were content with the dreams that my heart has let in inside instead of whining about that one that I still want. I wish I were content in knowing that I'm lucky enough to have been able to have the dream in my heart to begin with.

I'm not currently content. But, as all dreamers know, there will be another dream scratching on my heart's door eventually - and I suppose that will be good enough for me.

Happy New Year

It is a new year - 2011.

Last year ended far differently than I expected it to. This year began far differently than I expected it to be. I suppose there is always things in life that people merely deal with. You don't ask for difficult times. You don't want them. They still come and you still have to deal with them.

I spent four hours of my New Years Eve stuck at an Emergency Room because of a severe stomachy-gross thing (yes, that is the technical term). I was slightly delirious on morphine for a while and after telling my sister what every one's Ora was (because I could sense it) I told her my favorite thing about life.

I like that it's unexpected, I said (apparently). I like that you have to risk everything to get anything - even if you just get hurt.

Risk is a funny thing. If you are willing to risk gaining everything you also have to risk losing everything. You never know what it'll be until you get there. And once you get there you have to risk again and it's still just as unexpected. I think the hardest thing about risking yourself comes once you put your all out there and you end up getting more hurt than you expected. That's the point where it's most difficult to put yourself back out there. That's when it's most difficult to say, "I will love again. I will live again. I will risk again."

This is a New Year with new opportunities - even ones that we just have to deal with. My resolution this year is to take a risk again. I encourage you to do the same. It's funny how just one action can lead you either to your greatest heartache or on your greatest adventure.